At the Threshold

There comes a point in life where you start to look back on where you came from, who you are in the present, and where you might be headed.

I sometimes think about the life I was living over a decade ago and how it has shaped me who I am today. My life looked vastly different than it does now. I was living life in the fast lane. New Orleans nights blended into mornings. I was fully immersed in the counterculture of cabaret and circus…loud, chaotic, and at times intense.

Eventually I was skyrocketd into the world of Hollywood and television where I caught a glimpse behind the curtain in ways I can never unsee. Those chapters altered my perspective. At this point I am not the same person I was but I am also not separate from her.

I think that is the part that makes change hard to understand.

People act like you either stay the same or you are a completely different person but that isn’t how it works.

I didn’t necessarily become someone new. I just chose to stop living in a way that wasn’t sustainable. Those previous chapters revealed how far removed from actually living. We are told that “living” means chasing wild experiences that are often chaotic, sometimes destructive, and ultimately shallow. Sure I have lived but I find that at this point I am truly living now.

My current reality is much more anchored in people, in connection, nature, and structure. Building something that lasts. At a certain point I started thinking about what kind of impact I want to leave behind. That’s when a teaching position appeared in my life and I followed it

Recently I created a large piece and unraveled it in the middle of the desert. It was a windy day….the land was deciding what to do with the work. Something about that felt more right than anything I’ve done in a long time. It was not perfect…but I wasn’t trying to make it that way. I wasn’t trying to make it be anything.

That’s where I am right now. I am not trying to prove my worth. I am not trying to fit into any kind of scene. I am not trying on a specific identity and I am not worried about explaining what it means. Some people think I’ve changed. Some people decided to leave…but I don’t think I have changed in the ways that people assume. If anything, I have become more honest. More direct. Less interested in performing for other peoples comfort or expectations. I have already lived inside that world. It wasn’t sustainable. And my art is changing too…its less controlled…less planned…more intuitive and more free.

For the first time in a long time that doesn’t bother me at all. I feel like I am standing on the threshold of discovering and becoming more of who I was meant to be. Stripped of performance, algorithms, and the projections of other people.

Unraveling “Heart Tree” in the desert.

“Heart Tree” in the wind.